Death is NOT the END

It wasn’t a fine day; in fact I think no day could be fine without her in my life. I was missing her so much. Since we separated, my life was nearly finished. I had no will left to live. Everything seemed so tough and harsh. All I was left with, was a broken heart full of hatred . I hated almost everything which seemed so beautiful when we were together.

I was thinking about her as usual. Its been two full months since we stopped talking. I was dying to hear her voice to see her name on screen of my cell-phone. But it was  nothing but a waste.

“How could you not stop thinking about her?” I said to myself. Because I was all alone without her, only she could understand me, only she knows me well. But now what? I was talking to myself in loneliness. Even this was not very usual. I used to keep away from everyone. I didn’t like to talk or laugh anymore. It all reminds me of time which I spent with her.

“She wants you to be happy. Can’t you give yourself a break.” I said again. “But how? How could I be happy without her, she is my life I don’t want to live without her. I have no way left now. She is happy and she don’t even love me. After all, I gave her nothing except frustration. And now she wouldn’t even talk to me ever. I am alone forever.” these were the only thoughts on my mind.

My Friends were all with me to support me but I how could I understand them when my mind was always busy thinking about her.

And on that day I remember I was in pain, so much that I could not bear. “How would I live with this pain?” I asked myself. “There is only one way left for me to die, to tear apart this soul from this body, because there is no pain without this heart, without this body without this mind which keeps thinking about her.”  “But Do you have the courage to do so?”

“I don’t know but this is the only way left.” I answered to my mind.

“But don’t you love other people around you? Your parents ,your friends and all other people who care for you.” I was having an argument with my mind or I should say my heart and my mind were on war terms. “Yes I care for them, but think! Would I be able to keep them happy If I keep like this? I should go away from their life.”

“How could you do that to them. They all care for you and ask nothing for it. She was right about you, you are  really so mean. You only care about yourself not for others who all live around you. Who care for you, who love you.” It was getting worse for me, this internal quarrel in my mind was making me more depressed. I was weeping even more and tears were continuously falling from my eyes.

“She was right, how could you keep her happy if you cant even keep yourself happy! And how could you love her if you can’t love yourself.” This double sided battle in my mind was killing me now.

“I could not bear this anymore. I have decided! I will go far, very far from everyone’s life. And then no one would get hurt because of me. No one will ever be worried because of me. They will have a quite life without me. And She will be free too. She shall not be troubled because of me again. And after all I would be free from this pain of every moment, every second.” And I was ready to end this. End this all and put everyone in peaceful life who are troubled because of me.

And then suddenly this happened and I lost all my courage which I had collected to kill myself. I could hear all those voices, they were people calling me by my name. I could see their faces, they were smiling they were reminding me moments when I was happy, I was complete soul. And above them all suddenly came a thought in my mind that, “what if I couldn’t get peace even after death? What if I stuck in this world forever as a ghost, with no life to live and no death to rest in peace? Would I ever be able to leave this world truly? Would I be able to leave her memories and everyone behind?” and I had no answer for all these questions. My courage was failing me. Suddenly death seemed so complex. I did not know what comes after death. I was not ready to take this risk and stuck my soul in a world between life and death.

I had to make a decision and I decided to live. For my parents and for every person who love me. For every friend who stand by me unconditionally. To live for her love, this will remain in my vain as blood, in my mind as memories, in my heart as heartbeat. And I decided to live, because I want to learn to live. I don’t want to forget her but I want to pray for her happiness, pray for her life even if she will be away from me. At least she will be happy and may be one day we will meet again.